Thank you so much Shyrah. Teachers are always telling me I should write joined up, so it’s really nice to hear that you think it is neat the way it is. Thank you for reading my work. Hope to hear from you again!
Thank you very much Emily! If you love writing when your at home and you have some spare time get a piece of paper and pen and just write a story and in no time you could be an author!
Well done Jonan… Your work had some fantastic vocabulary! Your diary reminds me of adventure books,do you like reading adventure books? The first sentence has a mistake. You said ‘today me and Marcus’ but it shouldn’t be me it should be I because if you take the Marcus and and part out it won’t make sense if you say me had a great day out it would sound better and a bit more clearer if you say I had a great day out. Your work was amazing though keep up the good work!! 😀
Tia your writing has improved a lot since last time.
I got many ideas from reading your work,did you get the ideas from Mr French reading out others work?
To make your writing even better you cold try getting into more detail so the reader understands even better!
Very interesting Emeka, I can really how much effort you put and how you linked it back to what Mr French taught us. Your writing was brilliant but were there enough advertisements? That’s for you to answer. Overall your writing was fantastic! Keep it up.
Using the time on your diary was a very powerful way to structure your writing Riyad! It really showed your enthusiasm in your writing! What inspired you to write a diary? Is it because you thought that it was better to write in 1st person? Maybe just the structure,time and feelings. To improve your writing include Salim’s personal details about were he would go if he dies or his last words. Try to make your special sentences fit in your writing. You could write:The more time passed,the more worried I became. You have really improved! I think Riyad should be writer of the week!
Wow Tia, I love your big write, I thought your use of the book made it you own. (Top moshers forever) it draws the reader in and reminds the reader about the moshers in the book. 😀
How would you feel if you had to give every thing away? I would tell Marcus to sell my toys then use the money for my funeral. 🙂
To make this even better put a few more full stops in, and more detail so the reader understands better about the atmosphere barracks. 😉
Woah Sophia! That third paragraph was outstanding; ‘ diary I am feeling kind of faint talk to you later’ I loved that part it puts so much thought in my head about why he is faint . As soon as I started reading I had images in my head to go with what I was reading in your writing!
Riyad I loved your writing.I liked that Salim was fight to survive and the rats were stealing his Mar bar. You have improved from your last Big Write. What ways did your Big Write improved so much? The ways you can improved : at the begin you were in first person but then you then you went third toward the end of the paragraph.
Your pictures really made you writing clearer and it brought your writing to life Emeka! Why did you choose to write a newspaper? Is it because it seems more formal? To improve keep your tense the same. I think you should stick to past tense.
Well done Year 6, the structure and layout of your writing was brilliant. Link back to when the sentence types were out of your reach and your writing wasn’t as good. Now link it to the amazing big write you’ve done recently and straight away you should see the phinominal impact it has made on your work. Thank you Mr French.
Except for the sentence types what else (that Mr French has taught us) has improved our writing (applies to everyone)? The main point is: astonishing work. SATs is in 5 days and with that amount of effort I can see you succesfully achieving your goal.
Salma ,you have tried really hard for this big write . And what I really like about it is the part when Salim says’but don’t tell anyone from school though ‘ ! To improve your writing you could practice using the brackets properly, for example (Try not to forget the last bracket)
Salma’s mum
Well done Youness! I like the part where you ended your story with ellipses that really tells me that you have been taking advice from Mr French, and also the story had a lot of suspense which made it more exciting than it usually is. You added some personal details which i thought was amazing.
Keep up the good work!
Sophia, your opening diary entry really sums up the whole point from that part of the book quickly and nicely. The part when Salim say ‘oww’ suggests that he is hurt, maybe you should have used eww, to show he is in disgust (not that girls are disgusting, AT ALL!). Overall I enjoyed your collection of diaries, I had a large mixture of emotions while reading them. Well done!
Your friend,
Katie
Well done Jonan. I really enjoyed your diary entry. You created a lot of tension by using ellipses constantly through out your writing. You described how desperate things were for Salim very well by how he had to drink toilet water and nibble on a half eaten Mars bar. Did you originally plan your diary entries to be to be in small chunks ? I think it works very well because it sequences the events very smooth and well. To make your writing even better I wouldn’t of put the ‘you know’ part because it slightly confuses me. Besides that your piece of writing was very good.
Thank you Oliver. I agree with your thoughts on the “you know” thing, I guess I thought of writing the diary as if Salim was talking. The small chunks worked well (I didn’t expect that
Edward, I like the way you did multiple diaries to make the events more tense. Moreover, the use the special sentences help raise the standard. The rhetorical questions made it more personal like a real diary. The use of dates adds clarity. Did you get the multiple diary idea off Jonan? Send a reply if you to. To expand your talents you could add more personal details. For example, “I shouldn’t have come here: I will die alone and it’s all my fault.” It is a De:De sentence too. Well Done!
Tia, your work is heart-touching. You put all of his thoughts into one letter, a letter that might never be found, but he needed to say all of these things before, it’s too late. Bravo!
It’s nice how you include a bit of comedy, too, like the part about going to heaven. Very funny.
The way you put his will at the end really captures what he’s like, it shows what kind of things he owns and likes.
Thank you Edward, I really like the way that you used more than one diary. It really made it more tense. I also thought that it was really cool when you described the Big Ben as ma one legged beast. The way that you ended it was kind of like a letter when you wrote ‘Marcus this is not your fault’. I decided to write a newspaper instead of a diary because I thought it would be boring. Now I can clearly see that it Is not. What made you want to write a diary? Especially as you had all those other options. To expand your knowledge you could try to make each diary a little bit longer. You could combine the part when Salim is climbing the tower with when he realises that he is stuck. Overall it is a very good piece of writing.
Your work is very professional with captions, adverts, pictures, banners, headline and a masthead. Where did you get the idea to write it, did you think of it at home? To increase your knowledge you could make the sudoku with numbers. Despite that, nice work, Nathan!
We’ll done Abdul. I really enjoyed your writing. You made your letter very personal by saying’Marcus if you somehow get this,it’s not your fault.’ By writing this you make it like you were Salim desperate for help and trying to make Marcus not feel guilty. Did you originally make your paragraphs that long? To make your writing even better I would make your paragraphs smaller.
Kalo, it is really good because of the detail and it made sense about going to the store to get chocolate – Mars. Additionally, he also changed his mind so that he didn’t go to Manchester.
In conclusion to improve maybe you could say he was in a tower.
Wow Salma! Your writing is amazing! If you keep practicing you will get even better 🙂 I really like the way you got inside the character of Salim 🙂 Next time, you should just add a little bit more detail 🙂
Oliver what an amazing way to start your story ‘ so this is where it all began’ after I read that I knew the rest of the writing was going to be good and guess what it was!! 😀 I can tell you are an imaginative writer do you get some ideas from stories?
Katie… How did you come up with such a brilliant sentence? ‘Its been a while since we last talked but now’s my only chance’ it shows how long Salim hasn’t talked in his diary. Every time you started writing in your diary at different times the opening was ever so good! Well done Katie you should be proud of yourself!
Well done Emeka! You had some funky drawings in your news report… The first paragraph after your drawing was fabulous, ‘he had to urinate and do his business’ the word ‘ urinate’makes the paper even more interesting!!
Well done maxwell for your newspaper article,when I opened the tab I was so hooked in the newspaper.it made perfect sense. What inspired you to write so good ?
woah i like your blog it is very intrsting
what a story! my favourite one is the one by michaela!thank you so much for this inspire dairy!or so I say story!
Well done Tia your work is awesome and neat. I couldn’t do that good and I’m in year 5.
Thank you so much Shyrah. Teachers are always telling me I should write joined up, so it’s really nice to hear that you think it is neat the way it is. Thank you for reading my work. Hope to hear from you again!
WOW I wish this was my class because I love writing and we don’t get to do big write or do writing.
Thank you very much Emily! If you love writing when your at home and you have some spare time get a piece of paper and pen and just write a story and in no time you could be an author!
Looking good
Every ones writing was fun to read, thank you to the people who commented on our work.:-)
I should think Elsie should be a writer of this week.
Thank you very much Emily. I can now take on board that my writing is getting better! I appreciate the comment so much, Elsie.
Well done Youssef! You’ve used some fab vocabulary in your report 🙂
Thank you. Appreciate the comment, Youssef.
Well done Jonan… Your work had some fantastic vocabulary! Your diary reminds me of adventure books,do you like reading adventure books? The first sentence has a mistake. You said ‘today me and Marcus’ but it shouldn’t be me it should be I because if you take the Marcus and and part out it won’t make sense if you say me had a great day out it would sound better and a bit more clearer if you say I had a great day out. Your work was amazing though keep up the good work!! 😀
Does “I and Marcus had a great day.” make sense? Probably make more sense “Marcus and I”.
Tia your writing has improved a lot since last time.
I got many ideas from reading your work,did you get the ideas from Mr French reading out others work?
To make your writing even better you cold try getting into more detail so the reader understands even better!
Very interesting Emeka, I can really how much effort you put and how you linked it back to what Mr French taught us. Your writing was brilliant but were there enough advertisements? That’s for you to answer. Overall your writing was fantastic! Keep it up.
Thank you, Edward. I was going to make a Mars advert but because of it being on another page I decided not to.
Using the time on your diary was a very powerful way to structure your writing Riyad! It really showed your enthusiasm in your writing! What inspired you to write a diary? Is it because you thought that it was better to write in 1st person? Maybe just the structure,time and feelings. To improve your writing include Salim’s personal details about were he would go if he dies or his last words. Try to make your special sentences fit in your writing. You could write:The more time passed,the more worried I became. You have really improved! I think Riyad should be writer of the week!
Thank you
Wow Tia, I love your big write, I thought your use of the book made it you own. (Top moshers forever) it draws the reader in and reminds the reader about the moshers in the book. 😀
How would you feel if you had to give every thing away? I would tell Marcus to sell my toys then use the money for my funeral. 🙂
To make this even better put a few more full stops in, and more detail so the reader understands better about the atmosphere barracks. 😉
Woah Sophia! That third paragraph was outstanding; ‘ diary I am feeling kind of faint talk to you later’ I loved that part it puts so much thought in my head about why he is faint . As soon as I started reading I had images in my head to go with what I was reading in your writing!
Riyad I loved your writing.I liked that Salim was fight to survive and the rats were stealing his Mar bar. You have improved from your last Big Write. What ways did your Big Write improved so much? The ways you can improved : at the begin you were in first person but then you then you went third toward the end of the paragraph.
Your pictures really made you writing clearer and it brought your writing to life Emeka! Why did you choose to write a newspaper? Is it because it seems more formal? To improve keep your tense the same. I think you should stick to past tense.
Well done Year 6, the structure and layout of your writing was brilliant. Link back to when the sentence types were out of your reach and your writing wasn’t as good. Now link it to the amazing big write you’ve done recently and straight away you should see the phinominal impact it has made on your work. Thank you Mr French.
Except for the sentence types what else (that Mr French has taught us) has improved our writing (applies to everyone)? The main point is: astonishing work. SATs is in 5 days and with that amount of effort I can see you succesfully achieving your goal.
Salma ,you have tried really hard for this big write . And what I really like about it is the part when Salim says’but don’t tell anyone from school though ‘ ! To improve your writing you could practice using the brackets properly, for example (Try not to forget the last bracket)
Salma’s mum
I really enjoyed the different endings which were happy or so sad. Keep up the amazing writing all in Wolves
Well done Youness! I like the part where you ended your story with ellipses that really tells me that you have been taking advice from Mr French, and also the story had a lot of suspense which made it more exciting than it usually is. You added some personal details which i thought was amazing.
Keep up the good work!
Sophia, your opening diary entry really sums up the whole point from that part of the book quickly and nicely. The part when Salim say ‘oww’ suggests that he is hurt, maybe you should have used eww, to show he is in disgust (not that girls are disgusting, AT ALL!). Overall I enjoyed your collection of diaries, I had a large mixture of emotions while reading them. Well done!
Your friend,
Katie
Well done Jonan. I really enjoyed your diary entry. You created a lot of tension by using ellipses constantly through out your writing. You described how desperate things were for Salim very well by how he had to drink toilet water and nibble on a half eaten Mars bar. Did you originally plan your diary entries to be to be in small chunks ? I think it works very well because it sequences the events very smooth and well. To make your writing even better I wouldn’t of put the ‘you know’ part because it slightly confuses me. Besides that your piece of writing was very good.
Thank you Oliver. I agree with your thoughts on the “you know” thing, I guess I thought of writing the diary as if Salim was talking. The small chunks worked well (I didn’t expect that
Edward, I like the way you did multiple diaries to make the events more tense. Moreover, the use the special sentences help raise the standard. The rhetorical questions made it more personal like a real diary. The use of dates adds clarity. Did you get the multiple diary idea off Jonan? Send a reply if you to. To expand your talents you could add more personal details. For example, “I shouldn’t have come here: I will die alone and it’s all my fault.” It is a De:De sentence too. Well Done!
Tia, your work is heart-touching. You put all of his thoughts into one letter, a letter that might never be found, but he needed to say all of these things before, it’s too late. Bravo!
It’s nice how you include a bit of comedy, too, like the part about going to heaven. Very funny.
The way you put his will at the end really captures what he’s like, it shows what kind of things he owns and likes.
Your friend,
Katie
Nathan, your writing sounded very formal. It reminds me of Panorama on BBC. Just read back your writing, can you ‘read a top reading “ONTIL ECUR”.’?
Thank you Edward, I really like the way that you used more than one diary. It really made it more tense. I also thought that it was really cool when you described the Big Ben as ma one legged beast. The way that you ended it was kind of like a letter when you wrote ‘Marcus this is not your fault’. I decided to write a newspaper instead of a diary because I thought it would be boring. Now I can clearly see that it Is not. What made you want to write a diary? Especially as you had all those other options. To expand your knowledge you could try to make each diary a little bit longer. You could combine the part when Salim is climbing the tower with when he realises that he is stuck. Overall it is a very good piece of writing.
Your work is very professional with captions, adverts, pictures, banners, headline and a masthead. Where did you get the idea to write it, did you think of it at home? To increase your knowledge you could make the sudoku with numbers. Despite that, nice work, Nathan!
We’ll done Abdul. I really enjoyed your writing. You made your letter very personal by saying’Marcus if you somehow get this,it’s not your fault.’ By writing this you make it like you were Salim desperate for help and trying to make Marcus not feel guilty. Did you originally make your paragraphs that long? To make your writing even better I would make your paragraphs smaller.
Kalo, it is really good because of the detail and it made sense about going to the store to get chocolate – Mars. Additionally, he also changed his mind so that he didn’t go to Manchester.
In conclusion to improve maybe you could say he was in a tower.
Wow Sophia 🙂 you really put the detail on and made me feel so interested 🙂 I really liked it!
Wow Salma! Your writing is amazing! If you keep practicing you will get even better 🙂 I really like the way you got inside the character of Salim 🙂 Next time, you should just add a little bit more detail 🙂
Oliver what an amazing way to start your story ‘ so this is where it all began’ after I read that I knew the rest of the writing was going to be good and guess what it was!! 😀 I can tell you are an imaginative writer do you get some ideas from stories?
Kalo your story was better than mine ,the reason why I say it is because you put a rhetorical question.
Well done!
Well done Riyadh your hand writing is excellent but when you are
Crossing your words out use 1 line.
Katie… How did you come up with such a brilliant sentence? ‘Its been a while since we last talked but now’s my only chance’ it shows how long Salim hasn’t talked in his diary. Every time you started writing in your diary at different times the opening was ever so good! Well done Katie you should be proud of yourself!
Kalo your hand writing was excellent in you story.You used powerfull words and you used the correct punctuation
Wow Maxxwell your big write was excellent I really enjoyed reading it.when you cross out one line it will make it look even better.
Well done Emeka! You had some funky drawings in your news report… The first paragraph after your drawing was fabulous, ‘he had to urinate and do his business’ the word ‘ urinate’makes the paper even more interesting!!
Well done maxwell for your newspaper article,when I opened the tab I was so hooked in the newspaper.it made perfect sense. What inspired you to write so good ?