Good start Elsie, you have definitely created an eerie scene with lots of tension. I did however, find it slightly confusing. What was The Savage’s shock? Did he get revenge as your title suggests? You need to give the reader a bit more information so that they are more involved and do not lose interest. I look forward to seeing some more of your writing based around The Savage!
Good tension Maxxwell, and I love your use of similes, especially the chicken! Try to keep the tension going to the end. Do you think the connective ‘finally’ and ‘after a while’ add to the tension or let it down slightly? How about describing the taste of the Fanta? By the way, where did The Savage find the Fanta? These are the kinds of questions you are leaving your reader wondering. I think your illustrations are fantastic though! Keep on working hard.
Well done, Honey! That was a brilliant fantasy about ‘The Savage’. I like the way you use the colors in the comic. Especially orange for the Fanta – it makes it stand out as it is called ‘The Fanta Fiend’. Fantastic work, Emeka, you can actually write books.
Emeka’s Mum
What a story of suspense! I liked the chasing scene which was tense and gripping ! Also I loved the savage’s facial expressions in detail when his eyes were being filled with tears. Well done, Youssef!
What a scary thriller of the Savage! I could feel how desperate his dark fate was through your professional descriptive writing! I liked the Savage’s face changing while he waited for the night hunting. Good work, Younnes!
Sophia, your writing is very tense. Your title page is nice, putting your name in the blood. The black capital letters makes it stand out. The beginning is good: ‘As the wind bellowed through the forest the Savage came from his cave and howled at the moon’. Very engaging.
Youssef, your comic is very good, even though it has stick men it is still good. The captions are making it more effective because it is in different fonts just like a real comic. Awesome!
Very impressive suspense building. I am looking forward to seeing more of your work. Just think, you were only just learning to write your name when you were in my class! Well done Edward.
Toibat your story certainly has tension! Well done! But on the first page of the comic why did you high light the lines.???? I also like the front cover of your comic as its wobbly like the savage is running. Keep up the good work!
Youssef I loved your drawing also the chase at the end was fantastic .When the Savage went over the bridge the policeman just quit which was really funny!Well done Youssef
Elsie,first, When you wrote “the savage was about to cry!”He saw…….” Oh no! What did the savage see?? It’s not very clear but,the amount of tension you manged to add in your writing is magnificent! Keep up the good work!
Well done everyone! I like the way you drew me in with your tension building paragraphs. Mr French’s strategy really improved our writing.
‘Set the scene.’
‘3 short sentences ‘
‘2 sense sentences ‘
‘End with … Or ?’
Sophia your writing is amazing!Just be careful that you spell the words correctly for example its ‘began’ not ‘begun’. If you read over your work the it would of been even better!
Salma your handwriting is very clear to read!You have managed to add tension to your work! Just be careful that you don’t go off deep in your story as your idea is good itself! Michaela your handwriting is very neat!Keep up the good work wolves!
Mr French, on the last page of my work some of it has been cut off. Could you fix that because I don’t understand how a bear could be “lumped” on the ground.
Brilliant work Year 6 Wolves. Your Savage writing was really interesting. The writing was fabulous. Some of your work was really gory and bloodthirsty. Keep up the good work guys. Nathaniel’s mum.
Well done Youssef.I really enjoyed your comic.I can see how you used Mr French’s tension technique and it is very effective in your writing.Your illustrations are very impressive and that adds extra effect to your writing.You should be proud of you work.
Tia, I love your front cover, you can see that tension is already building by looking at it.
Your pictures are cool, but I think the way you used stick figures for the people doesn’t include enough detail for the characters. Like the Savage, you didn’t really show in the picture that he is a dirty ‘animal’, so he just looks like a normal guy ( well, normal stick figure guy ).
Well done Youssef.I really enjoyed your comic.I can see how you used Mr French’s technique on how to create tension. Also your illustrations are really effective and they add well to your writing.You should be proud of yourself.
Elsie,your opening sentence was lovely ‘the shiny,shimmering moon glistened’ was so powerful. Then you wrote ‘on the ground’. Maybe if you instead wrote’ the shiny…….. Shone on the water which reflected from the sky’ instead of on the ground. Overall nice work Elsie.
Edward, can you “witness” a victim? I’m not sure about that. :/ Except from that your pictures and handwriting was great!
(I could actually read it :D)
Your front cover really made the story something like a 10+ Abdul! Instead of leaving blank spaces on the comic sheet add tense pictures of the Savage entering his cave then waiting for the next hunt.
Salma, I think you could improve the front cover with more couloir and pictures.
You have great ideas that draw the reader in, like the beginning, when you explain that he is hurt, it makes you want to know why and how he got hurt.
The picture of him gripping his knife at the beginning is probably my favourite picture, it’s a great drawing, it’s a lot better than what I can do. I think it’s a great drawing because it shows that he isn’t just holding the knife, he is squeezing it, like he is going to attack… but when? Well done!!!
Younnes well done.I really liked your front cover.It really engages the reader by how it looks like The Savage has drawn
the title himself.Also your illustrations are very impressive through out you comic especially the front cover.You should be proud of yourself.
I liked the way when J-Leigh put blood dripping from the axe because it gave tension of what did the Savage do next. 🙂
What I also liked is when she used description about the forest which was terrifying and when wind was freezing while owls were hooting.I liked the way she used bang and crash making us think what made that sound.The drawing was also fantastic as the Savage killed a chicken and the owner was wondering where his chicken went.
Nice word choice Oliver. The word emerges is so powerful. It could of been better if you explained more where the ruined chapel was. For all I know it could of been at the perimeter of the wood. ‘Across the mossy store bridge’ really gave me a bold image of the bridge. Nice work everyone.
Maxxwell…… I really enjoyed your Savage’s adventure!! 😀 Your writing has improved a lot since I last saw it on the blog! I liked the similes you used for the chicken!!!!! I also really liked when you used the tense tips Mr French taught you.
I am really looking foward to see your next big write about the savage! 😀
I can see you concentrated hard!! Well done Maxxwell keep up the good writing !! 😀
Salma your cartoon is amazing! I especially like the way on the extra detail you put chicken not a leaf as the chicken links more to your story/cartoon!Wolves your word choices are getting better as you keep practicing so keep on practicing!Keep up the good wolves!
-Salma’s Mum
Well done Younnes!!I loved your drawing because they were simple but effective.I also like the front cover because it had weird handwriting like the Savage’s handwriting .
I really enjoyed reading the other year 6 writing some of there drawings are really good. I also like how they used there imagination and did not kill Hopper.
Riyad I like your Savage adventure. You really need to improve on your punctuation you also need to put speech marks do you hear me? You also need to improve on your drawing okay
Good start Elsie, you have definitely created an eerie scene with lots of tension. I did however, find it slightly confusing. What was The Savage’s shock? Did he get revenge as your title suggests? You need to give the reader a bit more information so that they are more involved and do not lose interest. I look forward to seeing some more of your writing based around The Savage!
Thank you Mrs Wilson!!! 😀
Good tension Maxxwell, and I love your use of similes, especially the chicken! Try to keep the tension going to the end. Do you think the connective ‘finally’ and ‘after a while’ add to the tension or let it down slightly? How about describing the taste of the Fanta? By the way, where did The Savage find the Fanta? These are the kinds of questions you are leaving your reader wondering. I think your illustrations are fantastic though! Keep on working hard.
Well done, Honey! That was a brilliant fantasy about ‘The Savage’. I like the way you use the colors in the comic. Especially orange for the Fanta – it makes it stand out as it is called ‘The Fanta Fiend’. Fantastic work, Emeka, you can actually write books.
Emeka’s Mum
Mr French could you please post the the work we did in our topic book. I wrote about the Phantom. 😀
I really enjoyed reading these gruesome and tense stories. I also liked the similes and the drawings. Thank you all in Wolves for all your hard work.
What a story of suspense! I liked the chasing scene which was tense and gripping ! Also I loved the savage’s facial expressions in detail when his eyes were being filled with tears. Well done, Youssef!
What a scary thriller of the Savage! I could feel how desperate his dark fate was through your professional descriptive writing! I liked the Savage’s face changing while he waited for the night hunting. Good work, Younnes!
Edward your writing and drawings were really good.When I looked at your writing it matched to the picture.
Well done Edward
Tia I like your front cover, especially the fanta.
🙂
Yedidja your drawings were really funny.It really made me laugh what you had in your thought bubbles.
Well done Sofia, I really enjoyed your carton!!
Youssef, I like the way you left the story on a cliffhanger, it really builds up the tension. Also you use the method show not tell very well.
:-p
Sophia, your writing is very tense. Your title page is nice, putting your name in the blood. The black capital letters makes it stand out. The beginning is good: ‘As the wind bellowed through the forest the Savage came from his cave and howled at the moon’. Very engaging.
Amazing big write Sofia, I really enjoyd it 🙂
Youssef, your comic is very good, even though it has stick men it is still good. The captions are making it more effective because it is in different fonts just like a real comic. Awesome!
Katie, I like the way you put a lot of detail in your writing, I could really imagine the scene without the pictures.
Thank you Tia, it’s nicer to see that my classmates apriciate my work ( especially that it took days to finish ).
Youssef I loved your drawings.The colour really emphasised the pictures.
Very impressive suspense building. I am looking forward to seeing more of your work. Just think, you were only just learning to write your name when you were in my class! Well done Edward.
Yedidja, I really liked your word choices but next time try to use tense words. From Youssef.
Well done JLeigh your handwriting is very neat and your title is clear.
Toibat your story certainly has tension! Well done! But on the first page of the comic why did you high light the lines.???? I also like the front cover of your comic as its wobbly like the savage is running. Keep up the good work!
Youssef I loved your drawing also the chase at the end was fantastic .When the Savage went over the bridge the policeman just quit which was really funny!Well done Youssef
Ka -lo you did very well I can see you put in effort
Yedidja, I really liked your word choices when I read your work. Try to use better words to build up the tense.
Elsie,first, When you wrote “the savage was about to cry!”He saw…….” Oh no! What did the savage see?? It’s not very clear but,the amount of tension you manged to add in your writing is magnificent! Keep up the good work!
Maxx well done you put in a lot of effort and it paid off. Your handwriting is neater and you was always good at drawing. Well done bro
Jack, I liked how you used the word “sometime later” because it is a better word than “then”. Your handwriting improved!
Riyad I really liked your story,but the comic should be with color.Keep up the good work Riyad!
Well done everyone! I like the way you drew me in with your tension building paragraphs. Mr French’s strategy really improved our writing.
‘Set the scene.’
‘3 short sentences ‘
‘2 sense sentences ‘
‘End with … Or ?’
Brilliant work Maxxwell your catchy front cover made me excited already. 😀
Eddy I like your work because of the nice drawings and your fantastic presentation in your handwriting.
Maxx, if you still have space in your comic strip then you could add some comedy before the “the end” part. Your getting better, keep it up!
Sophia your writing is amazing!Just be careful that you spell the words correctly for example its ‘began’ not ‘begun’. If you read over your work the it would of been even better!
Yedidja your drawings were funny and great like they always are well done
Salma your handwriting is very clear to read!You have managed to add tension to your work! Just be careful that you don’t go off deep in your story as your idea is good itself! Michaela your handwriting is very neat!Keep up the good work wolves!
Emeka your pictures really linked to your writing! Try to use more show not tell to build up your tension.
Mr French, on the last page of my work some of it has been cut off. Could you fix that because I don’t understand how a bear could be “lumped” on the ground.
Check the others as well.
Good work Katie your work was very good.
Brilliant work Year 6 Wolves. Your Savage writing was really interesting. The writing was fabulous. Some of your work was really gory and bloodthirsty. Keep up the good work guys. Nathaniel’s mum.
Maxwell, your pictures were awesome (The front cover was the best) but I couldn’t tell what was going on.
Well done Youssef.I really enjoyed your comic.I can see how you used Mr French’s tension technique and it is very effective in your writing.Your illustrations are very impressive and that adds extra effect to your writing.You should be proud of you work.
Tia, I love your front cover, you can see that tension is already building by looking at it.
Your pictures are cool, but I think the way you used stick figures for the people doesn’t include enough detail for the characters. Like the Savage, you didn’t really show in the picture that he is a dirty ‘animal’, so he just looks like a normal guy ( well, normal stick figure guy ).
-Katie
Good use of show not tell Oliver! Keep your tense the same because you changed from present tense to past tense.
Well done Nathan,although your comic could use a little more colour
Well done Youssef.I really enjoyed your comic.I can see how you used Mr French’s technique on how to create tension. Also your illustrations are really effective and they add well to your writing.You should be proud of yourself.
Nice work of using onomatopiea Joshua keep it up
Your front cover really made the story interested! Instead of adding a ‘the end’ try to add something like a picture of the Savage entering his cave.
Elsie,your opening sentence was lovely ‘the shiny,shimmering moon glistened’ was so powerful. Then you wrote ‘on the ground’. Maybe if you instead wrote’ the shiny…….. Shone on the water which reflected from the sky’ instead of on the ground. Overall nice work Elsie.
Good use of tension there Oliver.
Edward, can you “witness” a victim? I’m not sure about that. :/ Except from that your pictures and handwriting was great!
(I could actually read it :D)
Your front cover really made the story something like a 10+ Abdul! Instead of leaving blank spaces on the comic sheet add tense pictures of the Savage entering his cave then waiting for the next hunt.
Salma, I think you could improve the front cover with more couloir and pictures.
You have great ideas that draw the reader in, like the beginning, when you explain that he is hurt, it makes you want to know why and how he got hurt.
The picture of him gripping his knife at the beginning is probably my favourite picture, it’s a great drawing, it’s a lot better than what I can do. I think it’s a great drawing because it shows that he isn’t just holding the knife, he is squeezing it, like he is going to attack… but when? Well done!!!
-Katie
Younnes well done.I really liked your front cover.It really engages the reader by how it looks like The Savage has drawn
the title himself.Also your illustrations are very impressive through out you comic especially the front cover.You should be proud of yourself.
I liked the way when J-Leigh put blood dripping from the axe because it gave tension of what did the Savage do next. 🙂
What I also liked is when she used description about the forest which was terrifying and when wind was freezing while owls were hooting.I liked the way she used bang and crash making us think what made that sound.The drawing was also fantastic as the Savage killed a chicken and the owner was wondering where his chicken went.
I think almost all of us, maybe even all of us, have achieved tension, so it’s a great start for secondary school writing.
Katie,I totally agree with you!Keep it up guys!
I really liked your zoom in on the eye Glen! Remember that the i’s are capital letters like this I.
Oliver, I am so glad your “L” doesn’t look like a 2. 😀 I’m with the Savage. I hate it when I open a can and the drink goes in my face. xD
Nice word choice Oliver. The word emerges is so powerful. It could of been better if you explained more where the ruined chapel was. For all I know it could of been at the perimeter of the wood. ‘Across the mossy store bridge’ really gave me a bold image of the bridge. Nice work everyone.
well done Glen am proud of you, keep it up
Maxxwell…… I really enjoyed your Savage’s adventure!! 😀 Your writing has improved a lot since I last saw it on the blog! I liked the similes you used for the chicken!!!!! I also really liked when you used the tense tips Mr French taught you.
I am really looking foward to see your next big write about the savage! 😀
I can see you concentrated hard!! Well done Maxxwell keep up the good writing !! 😀
Salma your cartoon is amazing! I especially like the way on the extra detail you put chicken not a leaf as the chicken links more to your story/cartoon!Wolves your word choices are getting better as you keep practicing so keep on practicing!Keep up the good wolves!
-Salma’s Mum
And Maxxwell I really liked your front cover all the blood drops!! You had soo much detail!! 😀
Well done!!
I loved the front covers !!! Very detailed!! 😀
Nice work Nathan ,I like the part that you used onomatopoeia such as ‘SPLAT!’ . It was a very good piece of writing,and I enjoyed it.Keep it up.
Good description Younnes,you described how the savage felt and it was amazing how you used your words to show the reader what you were talking about.
Well done Younnes!!I loved your drawing because they were simple but effective.I also like the front cover because it had weird handwriting like the Savage’s handwriting .
I really like your drawings Yedidja it really helped to explain what was going on as well as your writing.
Harry I like your pictures you drawd and the words you used if you could wrote more it would be better.
I really enjoyed reading the other year 6 writing some of there drawings are really good. I also like how they used there imagination and did not kill Hopper.
Riyad I like your Savage adventure. You really need to improve on your punctuation you also need to put speech marks do you hear me? You also need to improve on your drawing okay
I really liked Edwards comic it was hard to read his handwriting but the pictures helps a lot